In the mood for love...

Have you ever felt a bit jealous of all the happy couples out there? Maybe even been a little sad to see someone finding love, while you can't seem to?

Yesterday was that kind of day for me.

I woke up to find out that Kevin Jonas was engaged. And I'm happy for him. I'm glad he's found love. I wish him all the happiness and love with Danielle.

But I can't help but wonder when I'm going to find love. Meet that person that's going to change my life.

I want to experience it all. That can't-eat, can't-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over- the-fence, world-series kind of stuff.

Yes, I'm quoting It Takes Two. It's the best love-quote in history.



I'm not that confident that I can find that someone. When you think about it, it's a pretty small chance.
But I need to believe it.



Remember that I began to hang out with a soccer team when I was sixteen? That they called me sexy,...?

It's safe to say that they haven't helped me in trusting that there are good boys out there. Boys who treat you right, are there for you and want to help you out.

Most of the soccer-boys were the exact opposite.

They would have conversations with your boobs instead of your face. They would objectify you. They would want to seduce you.

When they found out I was 'still' a virgin, at age 16, I was target number one on their list. A prize they could collect.

And I was aware of that. I knew about their reputations, about their plans to seduce me,... through one of my best friends, who wasn't like that at all.

Bart was a lot older then me. I think already twenty, when I was sixteen. He was the brother of my ex-boyfriend, and we always got along great.

He always protected me, defended me when things got dirty in the dressing rooms.
Of course, I only found out about that a couple of months ago. But still, even then, I knew he was different.



He warned me about a certain boy, Tom. But when that boy started to text me, I forgot all about his warnings.
Tom texted me the sweetest things. That I was sweet, innocent, beautiful. Exactly the things I wanted to hear.

He asked me to be his girlfriend. I accepted, knowing all about his reputation to seduce girls, only to have sex with them.
But I wanted to give him a chance. I was fairly certain that real emotions could develop.


I had agreed to go to the bar with all of his soccer friends, with him. He told everybody I was his girlfriend, and gave me a sweet kiss on the side of my head.

That night, numerous guys warned me. One of my close friends asked me to not consider having sex with him before we got to the three-months-mark. I laughingly agreed, thinking it wouldn't be that hard.

The next day, Tom already tried to convince me to have sex. I wasn't ready, so I said no.
He acted like he didn't mind. He stayed a little while longer, before having to leave for soccer practice.

That night, he sent me a text. He wrote that his family wasn't happy with him dating a sixteen-year old. That he couldn't continue this relationship.

I didn't believe him. I found it a big coincidence that he broke up with me, right after me saying no.

So I called Bart. Told him about the text message. Before I could even talk about the sex-thing, he already said it wasn't likely that the family-thing was the reason for the break-up.

I explained everything that happened. And he confirmed my suspicions.
He also told me he was so proud of me, for standing my ground and not giving in.


I felt so stupid. I wasn't sad because he had broken up with me. There weren't real feelings there. I was sad because I gave him a chance, even though I knew his reputation.
I felt so naïve.



I haven't had a real boyfriend since then.
Boys did ask me out, but I never felt a connection with them. And I didn't want to go through the whole relationshipthing again, without feelings present.

I have my own theory about love.
If I feel a connection, a click, when I'm around a guy, I'm certain that I can fall in love with him.
But it's not a given. I don't fall in love with every guy I connect with.

A lot of the guys I do connect with, are great friends. Sometimes in relationships. They understand me, I trust them, unconditionally.

But if the connection isn't there, I'm not going to bother by giving the guy a chance.




Now, of course, I'm a normal girl. I need some affection from time to time.
And being without that affection for three years now, isn't easy.

So, sometimes, I look for that affection outside of relationships. Only kissing. And I make sure that the guy doesn't have feelings for me, and that he's aware that a relationship is out of the question. Most of the time, it was with the same guy. We had an unspoken agreement, that we could kiss, as long as neither of us were in a relationship.
He started dating half a year ago. I'm happy for him, he deserves someone who loves him, who can give him that affection with real feelings behind it.



In March, I made the biggest mistake in my life.

I went to a party, and a lot of the soccer boys were present. I hadn't seen them in a while, because I started going out with a different group when I was 17.

One of the boys started talking to me. He confessed he had a crush on me.
Looking back now, I never would've fallen for that line. I heard it too many times before.
But that night, I was drunk. Out of my mind-drunk.

I had made the mistake of mixing beer and wine all night. It took me, not even five minutes to finish a drink, and soon enough I was drunk.
The drunkest I'd ever been.

The guy knew. I'm certain about it. He had seen me drink, he even made a comment about it. And I confessed that I was 'maybe a tiny bit intoxicated'. Of course, in the language of drunks, it means your drunk.
In my case, it meant 'I'm wasted'.


I kept talking with him, even danced with him.
All of a sudden, he pulled me closer and kissed me.
It'd been a while since a guy kissed me, so I didn't mind.

He suggested taking me back to his place.
Even in my drunk state of mind, I knew I didn't want that. I didn't want to lose my virginity to a one night stand.

So, he bought me another drink, and then suggested driving me home.
Thinking it was a good idea, avoiding potential falls with my bike, I gladly accepted his offer.
He took me to his car, and drove to a dark spot near the bar.


He started kissing me again, and soon enough we moved to the backseat.

That's where my mind blanks out.
Next thing I know, I'm in my bed, sore, and without my virginity.

I remember two things.
1. I told him I was a virgin.
2. He wasn't exactly gentle. At all.


So, I sent him a text. Asking if he used a condom. It was the most embarassing thing I had to do in my life, but since I wasn't on birthcontrol at the time, it was kind of crucial.

I waited for his text, looking up all kinds of information. When a girl is most fertile.

The text never came.
I waited until 7 PM, then drove to the next village to pick up a morning-afterpil. I called my best friend, and asked to go out, and have a drink.

I picked her up, and when I was parking my car in front of the café, she asked me how the party had been. I started crying as soon as my car was parked.

She was scared. I never cried, especially not in front of her. Later she told me she thought I had been raped or something.
I told her the entire story in the car.
She was furious with the guy.

I took the morning after pill, in the café, while she was there.




It's been a few months now, almost four to be exact, and I still feel bad.
If I could take something back, it would be that night.

Of course, the guy told the rest of the soccer-crew what happened that night. I was a prize, one of his many conquests.
The guys closest to me told him he shouldn't be proud of taking advantage of a drunk girl, who would've never agreed to it if she wasn't drunk.
I heard about that conversation last week.


That night is the worst mistake I made.
Because I know, it's not only his fault. I could've said no to going to his car.
I could've said no when he moved to the backseat.

I don't remember much about that night, but I'm certain I never said no.
The guy is a royal jerk, but he's not a rapist.



And of course, knowing my luck, I started seeing him everywhere I went after that.
Last week, I went out to get some take-away, to a place I never went to before.
Guess who was there.
Later that night, he was at the same party.
A guy I thought was cute, appeared to be a member of his family.

We never speak to each other. I don't know if he wants to, but I don't let him.


I never told this story to anyone but my best friend.
But since I'm writing away the demons here, I thought this one deserved to be here too.

The tale of how Jolene lost her virginity to a random boy in the backseat of his car.

Classy huh? Not exactly how I imagined it.

I'm still bitter about it, maybe you can tell.



My friends, who knew about it because the guy blabbed it to his friends, told me that I had nothing to be embarassed about.
My male friends were upset, they felt bad because they left me there, by myself, in my drunken state of mind. Of course, when they asked me to leave that night, I told them to leave without me.
My girl-friends understand that I'm upset about it. But they told me to stop feeling guilty.
Of course, that's easier said then done.



I still feel guilty.
The first couple of weeks, I felt guilty all the time. I couldn't not think about it. It drove me insane.
But I had to put up a brave face in front of my family and other friends, who knew nothing about the whole ordeal.

Now, a couple of months later, guilt suddenly appears in my mind. Not as often then it used to, but it was still present.


So, I decided yesterday, when the flash of me telling him I was still a virgin appeared back into my mind, that I had to write about it.

Tell it to someone, other than my best friend. Get it off my chest.

I'll let you know if it helped.



If I can give you advice, it would be this:

1. Never mix drinks. It makes you drunk faster than you can say 'intoxicated'.
2. If your friends leave, go with them. They'll keep you safe.
3. Never fall for the line 'I have a crush on you' when you haven't seen the guy for months.

And of course: only take that next step, when you're absolutely ready for it.
I wasn't. Not with him.


I'm afraid that, when Bart finds out, he'll be disappointed in me. I don't need that. I'm disappointed enough for the both of us. I hope he doesn't judge me.

And I hope you don't either.

The thing that I'm most afraid of now, is to tell my future boyfriend that I lost my virginity in the backseat of a random guy's car. That he'll judge me. Thinks I'm a slut.



I am ready for a relationship. I want to have someone I can trust, be happy with, cuddle,...
I want that can't-eat, can't-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over- the-fence, world-series kind of stuff.



I hope you'll find it. Or have already found it.
You deserve it. Everybody deserves to be loved.


If you haven't found it. It'll come.
And until then, know that I love you.

xo
Jolien