For your eyes only...

Hey you, whoever it is that's reading this.

A few warnings before I begin to tell you my story.
I probably am the most random girl you'll ever meet. One day I'm chipper as a bird, the next I might appear somewhat sad.
This blog isn't always going to be happy. Hell, this first entry isn't happy.
But it's honest. Brutally, sometimes.

To my friends I'm always chipper. Always a smile on my face, never one to tell anyone, except the best friend, that something's wrong. I don't know how and when that happened. It just did.
Somehow.

I was born on August 23rd. A summer's child. A ray of sunshine, on a sunshiny day.

For some reason, I don't remember much about my childhood. I just remember bits and pieces, and I go on stories my family tells me.

They say I was a happy child. Singing along to songs that I didn't know the words of, while walking on a crowded beach. Nope, that didn't faze me at all. According to them, I always liked the attention.

My own first memories start in elementary school. I was a member of a group that was, just, sick. Just like every group, we had a 'Leader'. Let's call her J.
J. always decided who in the group we couldn't hang out with anymore. She told every member of the group, but that person. We were 6 years old when this happened. Never underestimated the viciousness of some young girls.

For some reason, that person, who the group had to ignore, bully,... , was me a lot. During the time that the group couldn't like me, another group (a fun group) invited me to hang out with them.
My best friend was a member of that group.

For some reason, I always went back to the sick group. I always believed that things were going to change. That J. was done with her stupid decisions and power-trips. But they never did.

Secrets, that they found out through my parents, sister, sleepovers,... were told to the entire class. Kids would make remarks about them, but I never knew for sure that the secrets were out in the open. I had my suspicions, of course.

This never changed through elementary school. And still, to my parents, I was happy. I never showed it to them. The few tears that fell, fell on my pillow. In the dark.

One day, when I was 10, I had enough. I went to my teacher, and told her I was being bullied. She told me, and I quote: 'You're a big girl. Deal with it.'

I was shocked, to say the least. Here I was, finally strong enough to tell her what was going on, and she dismissed me. I still don't know why she did that, maybe she had a bad day, I don't know.

When I came home that day, my mom had been offered a job in another school in our town. She's a kindergarten teacher, and during my elementary school career, she was drifting between schools.
When I heard that she got a steady job for the entire next school year, I asked her if I could come along. She was sceptic, not sure if it was a good thing to do.

That day, I told my mother everything. At first, in the beginning of my story, she thought it was a little argument that I had with J. At the end of the story she was shocked, that a 10 year old girl could be so vicious, so mean. That she never saw it. That my teacher reacted that way.

The next day, she went to the other school and enrolled me. I didn't say anything to my 'friends' and classmates at school, until the last day of the school year.

I explained to them that I couldn't be in their class anymore. That it wasn't healthy. I didn't say any names, but everyone knew it was about J. and her group. My old group.

Other kids tried to make me change my mind. Promised me that things were going to change. Although I was very flattered, I knew that once the new school year began, things would go back to the way they were. My teacher never reacted. I still think that was a gutless move.


All of this had it's impact on my self-esteem. Which is absolutely normal. Every event in your childhood has it's impact. There were a few other events as well, which I'm going to save for other posts.

Needless to say, my trust in people faltered. Although I was welcomed with open arms in my new school, I found it difficult to trust them.
During that time I had my first 'boyfriend'. As I look back on it, I can't help but smile at our cuteness. The holding hands, blushing when he had to come to our classroom to pick something up from my teacher, the teasing looks of my classmates. He was a year older than me. I was 11, he was 12.

He probably was the reason I was able to trust again at the end of the schoolyear. My faith in peers had been restored. Somewhat.

He never knew of what happened in the other school. Nobody of my classmates did. I think my mom did tell my teacher, but he never talked to me about it. He always made sure I knew he was there to talk with, though.

That teacher is still my favourite teacher I ever had. He's the kind of teacher I hope to be in the future.


Hundreds of things happened during high school and the last two years. And what happened during elementary school still has an effect on me, on how I react.

Somewhere along the way, I became naïve. Too trusting. If someone was nice to me, he was a friend. Important. I would do anything for that person. This envoced some new stories. All of which you'll be able to read. In the next blogs.


About a year ago, I stumbled across JBFA. Jonas Brothers Fanfiction Archive. I started with reading the stories, finding comfort in them. In August, I wrote my first story.

I still think that, like my first 'boyfriend', this saved me. I finally had a way to channel my imagination, anonymously.
I met some great people on JBFA. People that I now follow on Twitter. People who are writing their own blogs, dealing with their own demons.

They are still saving me.

It's all in the little things they do. Or say. Or write.
They inspired me to write this blog. To write away the demons. To write about wonderful things that happened, or will happen in the future.
They know who they are. And they know I love them, even though I have never met them.

You already know more about me then a lot of my closest friends. Only my best friend knows about what happened. And I'm not sure she knows everything, even though she was there, in the same classroom I was in, for 4 years.

There are still many things I want to write. Want to say. But they'll be written in a different blog.

The only other thing that you should know now, is that writing and music are a huge part of my life.
A simple song can change the way you look at things. Can change the way you feel.
Especially the Jonas Brothers seem to do the trick for me.

I don't care if you like them yourself or not. I don't care what you think about them as persons. The only thing I do care about is that you don't judge them in any comments you may write here. They had a huge part in saving me. That's the most important thing to me.


If you want to know more about me? Stick around. I don't do censure. At all. Everything that happened to me, worth writing, will be in this blog.
The great things, the sad things. Everything.

I see this blog, for now, as a journal. My personal therapy. And a hell of a lot cheaper than real therapy.

So, for now, until the next blog.
I hope that you're able to face your personal demons. But even more, I hope you don't have any demons to face.

Whoever you are, a virtual hug from me. We can all use one from time to time.

xo
Jolien (Pronounced as Yolene. Jolene is a nickname, based on the famous song. Just saying :) )

PS. I sincerely apologise for any spelling/grammar errors I make in this blog. Although I hate them myself, English isn't my native language, and I'm bound to make them. Feel free to correct me. I'm eager to learn.